I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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