I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
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