Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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