can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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