Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
