The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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