Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
