In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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