I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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