Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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