You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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