i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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