Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
