mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
