I'd wear matching sweaters with you
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
