i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
