Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
