i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
