I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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