The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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