She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
