you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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