3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
