this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
