I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
