in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
organizing the empties. That sober.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
