His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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