I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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