My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
