My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
