you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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