im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
