I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
