im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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