he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
