I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
