i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
