this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
