I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
