found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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