My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
