How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
