She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
