The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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