i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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