my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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