I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
