i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
