her facebook's as public as her vagina
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
