i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
