When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
