Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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